Blah....

So, I'm totally in a funk.  I can't seem to do everything I know I need to do and unfortunately, my husband is getting the raw end of the deal.  I'm exhausted.  I'm trying to be the best employee I can be, the best mother and the best wife.  In addition, I'm leading worship for my church, taking on more responsibility with committees and trying to keep up with friends.

I am in charge of the finances, most of the housework and all activities involving Madison.

At the end of the day, I'm exhausted.  My job requires me to be on-call 24/7 so even if I get to bed at a decent hour, I get phone calls all hours of the night.

My husband isn't quite as "driven" as I am so I get VERY frustrated with his lack of desire to help with household things and when he says things like "oh, your going to get motivated today and rack the leaves?" set me off.  My reaction to him is to shut down and stop talking to him.  This isn't right.

I am trying SO hard to listen to the Lord and seek His direction and be the Godly wife I know I'm supposed to be.  I just can't seem to get it.  I fail every time.

God, please help me.

Just thoughts.....

I work with adults with disabilities and my job is incredibly stressful. It's definitely a "big girl" job because I have people's lives in my hands. I am responsible for their health care management, finances and their daily staff. I am responsible for making sure they get food stamps, social security benefits and funding through the state of ohio.

What I find most frustrating about this job- over the staff call offs at 4am or the staff who just doesn't show up and I have to go last minute to cover a shift- is the "all about me" viewpoint that people have in this world. I don't want to limit it to people with disabilities, although this is what I see everyday, because I know most people in this world are incredibly selfish. I just don't think I realized the extent of it until I started working in this field.

I have clients who don't work but feel that their disability check is their earned money. The same with food stamp benefits- they don't work or contribute to our financial society at all but they feel entitled to these benefits.

My family and I are uninsured. Neither of our jobs offer health insurance and we make too much to qualify for medicaid- even though my daughter is disabled. To pay for our health insurance independently is costly but its the only route we are able to go at this time.
Why do people who don't work but are disabled deserve better health care than I do? I'm not asking for a hand out by any means. My taxes however, are paying for the people I work with to see the best doctors available in central ohio. Why shouldn't I have access to those doctors as well?
I have to decide how sick we are in order to determine if I go to the doctor. Then it becomes a payment situation so I can pay off whatever we had done.

While I'm not sure that universal health care is completely the answer for our country, a fair system needs to be created.

While I can't solve the worlds selfishness with my blog- I can raise my disabled daughter to understand that we are here on earth to serve others, not ourselves and that hard work is still valued and necessary, even though she's disabled. Her disability doesn't disqualify her from working in a "normal" job. She can be successful and not need government benefits in order to survive.

How do I begin teaching the people I work with that their world doesn't end at their wheelchair, or cane or autistic mind?
Is this even my job?
Should I surrender my thoughts and chalk them up to "the way things are" and let it go?

My experience at the worship conference

I went to a worship conference this past week in Indiana and it was awesome- it was refreshing, educational and worshipful. I had gone to this conference having come out of about a month of intense frustrations and letdowns. I was tired of the run around and was looking for truth- knowing I could only find it in Christ. I wasn't really excited about the conference, I was simply excited to be away from work for three days but what God did through that conference was amazing.
The worship team from New Life Church was there. This is the church that two years ago, their senior pastor Ted Haggard resigned due to moral failure then last year they had a shooting in which two young girls died. Their testimony and their song "Overcome" touched my heart intensly. To hear the things they had gone through and the impact it had on the entire congregation made me realize that my life's stresses were small and if God could bring them through those things then certainly He could do the same for me. It sounds so simple as I write it but in the moment, it was truly intense.
Mia Fields from Hillsong was there also. This was such a surreal moment for me when I got to meet her. I have loved Hillsong's music for so long and have connected with the lyrics on levels not many other songs have reached my heart. She is a songwriter and worship leader for Hillsong and her humility and her honesty were inspiring. She had a true presence of the Holy Spirit around her. It was neat to meet her. I have a picture of her and I but I promised her I wouldn't post it on the internet ;-)

I've felt the call to be a worship leader for a long time but out of fear I've never pursued it. This conference was the first time I've seen the potential in me to be a worship leader. Not because of my talent, because I don't have that much of it!, but because God has annointed me to do this and if He can use this broken, flawed girl then surely the glory would go to His name!!!!!
I'm going to make strides towards becoming a worship leader, which means I must continue to submit myself to my current leadership and learn to submit more and more to him. A leader must know how to submit before they can lead and so this is the first step in my process. I must learn to submit on new levels.

Thank you Lord for being gracious and kind. Your mercy amazes me.

Worship

This past sunday the pastor read the passage about Mary pouring her perfume over Jesus and using her hair to wipe his feet. This is one of my most favorite stories of the Bible because its always touched that part of me that goes untouched far too often. I think we are born with the desire to love Jesus in this way but for many reasons (fear, pride, sin, etc.) we don't.
As the pastor read this passage, my mind immediately began to go another direction- actually I have no idea what the pastor said because I was off in my mind with this passage!

I immediately placed myself in Mary's place and went through the whole scenerio seeing me doing this to Jesus. I began to think, "How can I worship Him this intimately now? He's not here physically for me to pour oil over and wash his feet."
I immediately heard the Lord begin to show me that I am not to be Mary- I am to be the alabaster jar that contained the oil. The Bible tells us that the oil she used was worth one years wages and she broke the alabaster jar in order to pour it over Jesus' head. I heard the Lord say that I too was costly and must be broken to be poured out before the Lord.
I may not be able to physically wash Jesus' feet but I must be broken and not fearful to worship Him intimately. I so often am in worship and feel the urge to start dancing or crying but I immediately fear the reaction of the congregation (I do not attend a church where this happens regularly). I find this happens too when I am in an environment that allows such worship to happen because I have not followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit at other times.

I am so thirsty for His presence. I can barely stand myself. I have been in worship where the Lord has poured His oil on me in worship. Several years ago I attended a intercession/prophecy workshop in Texas and at one of the worship times (and a few thereafter) I was lost in worship, just standing there with my face towards the sky and my hands raised in surrender when I felt hot oil being poured over my face. I opened my eyes because it was so real but I realized it was happening in the Spirit. I am so repentant that the Lord has poured His oil over me in worship but I am too fearful to do the same. Lord, I am so sorry! I was born to kiss your feet- show me how!

My husband

I'm newly married (we got married August 9th) and its been a little bit of a challenge learning how to live with someone other than my daughter! I'm pretty particular with cleanliness so its been tough living with a yucky boy!!!!
We've had our disagreements and frustrating moments but I must say, my husband is amazing. He's so patient with me and my petty requests and I absolutely love him.
His father is ill right now so he's going to Indiana to visit with them and I can't go because of work but I miss him already- and he hasn't even left yet!!!!

I want to publicly honor my husband. He's such an amazing man. He loves my daughter like his own and he loves me despite my quirks. He loves Jesus more though and that's what makes him the most awesome husband ever.

I love you Jeff!!!!

Dreams...

I've been having the most vivid dreams lately, which is unusual because I don't normally remember my dreams at all, unless they are significant or scary. My dreams as of late aren't either significant or scary but I'll have little pictures, like a "webisode" type dream- just a short one.
I remember two of them from last night: one was of Madison's eye doctor telling me that she was close to becoming completely blind and there was nothing they could do. I remember feeling confused because I had believed so hard for her healing.
The second was a picture of our red car in the drive way with the tires stolen off it.

I don't think these are prophetic- I wander if they are an attack from the enemy as a tool to distract me or make me lose hope. I know that when I woke up I had the sense to begin interceeding for my daughter and our property so the Lord would protect it.
What do you guys think- was it a warning from the Lord to start praying, or a tool from the enemy?

My New Blog!

Some of my friends have these blogs and I've been so encouraged by their thoughts, insights and transparency that I really wanted an outlet for my thoughts. Thanks for the inspiration guys!

So, here's my blog! I picked a name for my blog web address as Broken Veil. A friend of mine had this for his e-mail address and I have never been able to move away from that concept. I remember when the veil was broken in my life and now knowing what I know, the veil continues to break as new revelation and understanding comes.

I grew up in church and always believed in God and at times when I got older, really thought I knew what salvation was. I "prayed the prayer" and thought that's what I needed to do to be saved. I had no idea what a relationship with God even looked like.
Of course, I rebelled when I got older and led a very destructive lifestyle. In the midst of my rebellion, a guy I went to college with asked me to go to church with him. I resisted for a long time but he became SO annoying in asking that I agreed to go as long as I could wear jeans (a big "no no" in the church I grew up in). I went with him to a church in grove city and we went on the day their new sanctuary was opening. The anticipation, excitement and desire to worship was almost tangible. I arrived about 1/2 hour early so I could save seats and when the ushers let me in I was alone in the sanctuary while the choir was practicing. They were singing, "How Great Thou Art". I had heard this song hundreds of times in my life but for some reason the words, the passion of the people singing them and the Holy Spirit stuck me and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor crying. The ushers came to me and wanted to know if I was ok but I couldn't even talk.

I'd love to say that was the day the veil was broken for me but it wasn't. It was just the first step in seeing what a relationship with the Lord looks like.
Years later, I sat in the office of a beloved pastor and he looked me in the eye and told me that people had prayed me out of hell and that it was only by the grace of God that I was even alive in that moment. He led me through a deliverence session and for the first time in my life, I felt the presence of God. I had never felt Him before. I had heard His voice before but never felt Him. As I was standing there in the office, the pastor was on my right, holding my arm and a lady who was praying was sitting on the couch in front of me but I felt a body behind me. It was like someone, taller and more broad than I am, was cradeling me from behind. The people in the session said I looked as if I were asleep but I was aware of everything they were saying but the presence of God was so real.

Since that time, the "light" has become more and more bright. I've lost sight of the passion I once had to pursue the Lord but am on the journey once again.

So, I go back to the original time when I saw the Lord in His truth and beauty- the day my veil was broken and I entered His throne room. Here I am Lord. I am Yours.